After all, I am
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: [Soryuden] Hajime thinks about his place as leader of the family and about his own identity.


Disclaimer: Soryuden is by Tanaka-sensei and drawn by Clamp.  
  
After all, I am…  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
"Are we the way we're supposed to be?" I looked at myself the mirror. Lifting up my chin, I touched my neck and kept my eyes on the mirror.  
  
I was the oldest, and so, I couldn't tell my brothers the insecurities that I held inside of myself. I was already burdened inside of myself, but I couldn't truly understand it yet.  
  
"This isn't who you are," the mirror was telling me with my young reflection holding onto my tight lips that wouldn't move at that particular moment.   
  
"Then, who am I?" I asked myself inside of my head.   
  
Holding my shirt collar, I pulled it forward with confidence as I got myself ready for the day. I had too much time on my hands if I could spare a moment for these foolish thoughts.  
  
"You are Ryudo Hajime," I told myself and opened the bathroom door.  
  
Walking out into the hallway, Tsuzuku greeted with a smile. "Ohaiyou, Aniki."  
  
On this summer day, while Owaru and Amaru were playing with the hose outside trying to take a bath to soothe themselves over the heat, I sat in my desk chair with Tsuzuku looking out the window.  
  
He took out his hands from his pant pockets and started to look at them.  
  
I pretended not to notice.  
  
"Can we always live like this, Aniki?" he finally said while leaning his hands on the window's ledge.   
  
"What do you mean?" I asked him with my eyebrow going up. I blinked at him trying to make him answer me honestly.  
  
He then turned around and leaned his arms on the window. "Normal."  
  
"What are you saying, Tsuzuku?" I put my book down and finally looked at him.  
  
It was just one of those moments.  
  
"So we are different?" I asked him while folding my hands over my book.  
  
"Yes…" he answered with much uncertainty in his tone.  
  
"It's all right to be different," I told him as I smiled and unfolded my hands. I then looked at my book once more.  
  
"I think it's stupid that people keep on saying 'I want a normal life', but there is no real concept of being 'normal' at all." He shook his head as he looked out the window again.   
  
"Yes, but it's like 'the future'." I cleared my throat. "We all work towards a future, both individually and as a nation. Yet, even when we know that we lead ourselves to self-destruction, we still work towards that something we call a 'future'."  
  
I had to keep my calm though. Being the leader of this family, I had to show that one had to be certain of where they were going.  
  
For, if a king should show weakness, your downfall is sure to come.  
  
It's not that I wanted them to see me as the one with all the answers. No, I wasn't like that.  
  
I just wanted them to realize that a person with a strong will certainly will get far in life.  
  
I smiled at Tsuzuku as he gave me a hesitant look though he was trying to hide his fear. Even though he tried his hardest not to show me, I could see through him.  
  
It was then that I got up and patted his head. "Life is a mentality. It's however you want to see it."  
  
At that, I left the room and went down to the library to find myself another book to read.  
  
Later that night, when everyone was in bed, I heard a scream from Amaru's room as I was passing by. Owaru and Tsuzuku came out but I shook my head.  
  
"I'll take care of it," I told them as they nodded and went back into their rooms.  
  
Opening and closing the door behind me, I sat on Amaru's bed. He grabbed onto my shirt as he blinked at me with tears in his eyes. "Something was chasing me in my dream, Aniki!"  
  
I laughed as I wrapped my arms around him while patting his back. "And what did you do?"  
  
"I called for you over and over!" he sniffed while crunching my shirt in between his fingers.  
  
I shook my head as I pushed my hands on his shoulders. Touching forehead to forehead, I told him quietly, "Next time, defeat whomever or whatever was chasing you. If you can't, just know that you can call us in your dream. Whatever happens, don't get scared. We'll always be together. We're always with you."  
  
He nodded. "Okay…"  
  
I patted his back and his eyes drooped. When he fell back asleep, I laid him on his bed and tucked him in. Quietly, I left and walked towards my own room.  
  
As I got into my bed, I turned to one side and looked out towards the window.  
  
Every time I think that I can't stand feeling that this isn't my true form or that this isn't the real me, I think of you.  
  
Tsuzuku…Omaru…Amaru…Matsuri-chan…  
  
If I were alone in the world, I don't think I would have been as strong as I am. Knowing that you three and Matsuri-chan are there gives me peace.  
  
Someday, you'll realize your own places in the world.  
  
We may be different from other people or may not be human at all, but what does that matter now? As long as I know who I am, no matter what form, I won't fear anything.  
  
And that was the first lesson that I taught you three: You shouldn't fear.  
  
When you fear, that's when you and others realize what's so 'different' about one another. But so what? Just know what you want, how to get it, and then go for it.  
  
It was then that I closed my eyes and fell asleep.  
  
I don't care about anything else in the world but you guys. As long as I have you, I have everything I need.  
  
I fear nothing at all.  
  
After all, I am a dragon.  
  
I am not satisfied until I find my true self.  
  
After all, I am human.  
  
Owari.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I'm just basing this on the anime since I had seen it recently. If this is inaccurate to the manga, please excuse it. I've yet to collect this title. It was so interesting!! This is my thank you to you, Karma-chan!!!  
  
While I was watching it, it made me think of my Japanese post-war literature class that I had taken last quarter. I think this would have been perfect for the class because of its themes of modernism as well as abuse of authority. (Ah, that's why I love Soseki so much, but he's in the Meiji Period!) 


End file.
